Home > Posts > Weekly Check-In: Stop Being Sisyphus

It is the second week of November!

This week was a hard one. The despair in the world seems heightened (due in part, I’m sure, to the recent US election, but there has been other upsetting world news and general malaise lately), and I can’t say I’m doing much better myself. The state of the world aside, I’m not where I want to be on my schoolwork—and this is the point in the semester where school is really intense!—and I’ve been low on energy due to a medication change and a flareup of chronic illness. I had a rough start to the semester to begin with, and after what has seemed like a never-ending barrage of setbacks, I’m entirely dispirited. I’ve been finding it difficult to even get out of bed.

A couple of days ago, in the middle of a sobbing meltdown, I asked my husband: “What am I even going to school for?!” I didn’t really intend for him to answer—it was a rhetorical question on the same level as asking Who on Earth decided to let me have a baby?? in the labor and delivery unit—but it made me realize that I’ve been so caught up in surviving the day-to-day that I’ve started to lose touch with what I value. That was sobering.

My instincual answer to that question is “it’s my job,” which is technically true, but not satisfactory. I confess my cynicism, but if it were about making money, I wouldn’t be aiming for a humanities degree. The job market isn’t exactly hopeless, but it’s not good either. That’s long term. In the short term, I’m grateful that I’m being paid to go to school and that my stipend can go to supporting my family, but there are reasons I submitted my grad applications in the first place that have nothing to do with the income. I had to stop and think about what those reasons are.

My therapist asked me recently to describe the last time I felt truly and entirely happy. (An all-around unpleasant perinatal experience prevents me from saying “the birth of my child.”) It’s an easy answer. The fall semester of my second year of undergrad—approximately half a year before the pandemic turned the world inside out—is the time I remember as the happiest of my life. My schedule was full of great classes, one of which was the British Literature survey that ingited my love of Arthuriana and led directly to my specialization in Medieval literature. I developed a close professional relationship with my advisor, who’s still an important mentor and friend. The semester culminated in a marriage proposal from the wonderful man who is now my husband, a memory that still makes me blushy and giggly even though our honeymoon ended a long time ago. Everything seemed right in the world for me then, and school was a significant part of why.

So why does it feel so different now? I don’t know for certain, but I have a few ideas.

In undergrad, I was taking classes I was really excited about. So far in grad school, I haven’t been able to muster that same enthusiasm—not because the topics are uninteresting (I’m taking an Old English class! That’s as interesting as it gets!), but because they aren’t what I expected. I knew graduate wasn’t going to be as easy as undergrad classes were, but I wasn’t prepared for balancing the difficult classwork with the demands of living independently and raising a child or with the sudden, random catastrophic occurrences that life occasionally gifts. I’ve spent most of this semester feeling stupid, which is an obstacle to feeling inspired and motivated.

I’m also missing the close relationships I developed in college. I don’t have a mentor and haven’t formed an advising committee yet. Part of that has been because I’m too afraid to approach my professors, whom I worry I’ve made an astoundingly bad impression on, but part of it is just because I’ve been in this program for such a short time. It took me until my second year to start forming those relationships in undergrad. I’m going to be here for the next six years (hopefully!), so given time and effort, that will not be a permanent problem.

My personal relationships are lacking too. My marriage is fantastic, but all of my other friendships are long-distance. I’m friendly with most of my colleagues, but I haven’t made any close friends yet. That one is my fault. Being busy with school and raising a child gives me an excuse, but ultimately, this is the natural consequence of my bad habit of self-isolation. Now that I have a better understanding of the time commitment my classes require, I’m planning on getting involved with the local chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism.

That’s it, really. I’m in school for the opportunities to learn and to get to know other people. Those are all opportunities I still have—I just need to be cognizant of them instead of getting absorbed in the Sisyphean routine of daily life. My intentions for this week are to get back on track in my classes as much as I can (avoiding my schoolwork will not help with the problem of feeling stupid) and to prioritize being around other people.

One more thing on the topic of school—I’ve learned that I really like teaching. This came as a surprise to me—I was trepidatious about my TA job going in, but it’s turned out to be one of the things I like most about grad school. I’m still not used to being treated like an authority figure by other adults, but I really enjoy my students and feel proud of their accomplishments. I don’t want to jump the gun, but it’s seeming like teaching could be something that brings me joy and fulfillment.

In other news, I started my intensive outpatient program. I don’t have much to say about it. I haven’t been in it long enough to know whether it’s effective or the right fit. I’m skeptical of online therapy in general—I’ve heard horror stories about some of the more well-known online providers, and ever since COVID lockdown forced me into doing therapy and school online, I’ve believed an essential part of human connection is missing from most virtual meetings—but I want to give it a fair try before I say anything one way or the other. The group leaders seem sincere, which is a plus. I may feel more enthusiastic about the program once I’ve met with my individual therapist.

I also purchased some yarn for a special knitting project—stay tuned to find out what!

If this was a rough week for you too, I hope the next one is better. Thanks for reading, and take care.