Home > Posts > Weekly Check-in: Long Overdue

I haven’t updated the blog in a little bit. I’ve been occupied with the end of the semester and the happenings of life. I meant to update around Thanksgiving, but unfortunately, there was a death in my husband’s family, and we needed to travel for the funeral during that time.

In my last check-in, I wrote on getting back in touch with the reasons I applied to grad school. Unfortunately, the problems I mentioned in that post worsened toward the end of the semester, and I needed to take a hardship withdrawal due to what turned out to be an escalating mental health crisis. Fortunately, the university has been more than understanding, and I’ve been offered a fresh start next semester. I’m taking advantage of the winter break to heal, regroup, and prepare for my upcoming classes.

What went wrong? Well—

When I wrote that post, I was feeling overwhelmed and unsure of my future in my grad program. I alluded in the first couple of paragraphs to feelings of hopelessness, but I was so hell-bent on getting out of that emotional pit that I didn’t want to acknowledge I was in one in the first place. I’m susceptible to believing that everything will be fine as long as I have a plan and a positive attitude, and wanted to believe the bit of problem-solving and perspective-taking that went into making that blog post would be enough to head off the episode of depression I desperately did not want to be happening.

You’ll never guess what happened next.

Trying to bypass depression through willpower alone makes about as much sense as trying to climb out of a ditch without any arms. As much as I wish it were otherwise, meaningful recovery just isn’t possible without a commitment to get through it, specific and actionable goals, and a supportive environment. Those things are not possible if you’re denying that you’re depressed in the first place—or, as I was, acknowledging that the depression is real, but denying that it could be causing real problems. Grinning and saying “don’t worry—I can handle it” looks like optimism and responsibility. In reality, it’s another way of avoiding the problem. Had I asked for help as soon as I realized I’d need it, I might have been able to meet the responsibilities of last semester instead of allowing them to pile up.

I’ve started seeing a new individual therapist as part of my intensive outpatient program. I’m not used to having a therapist who is willing to openly challenge statements I make. I didn’t like that at first! I don’t like being contradicted on a topic I think I’m an expert on, like my own life. But I’m coming to value her perspective and appreciate that she keeps me accountable. We are formulating a plan to catch me up in school and to get me into a meaningful, purposeful daily routine.

Group therapy has been going pretty well. I’ve especially enjoyed the creative aspect—during creative hour, I’ve been able to make some good progress on my short story Elegy in B Minor and have been doing some therapeutic drawing and painting. It’s also been nice to get a refresher on some DBT skills. (I’m considering getting back in the habit of keeping a DBT diary card in order to keep track of my skill use. Some of those skills have become automatic for me, but I’m sure I’ve forgotten some others, and either way I’m not being particularly mindful about them and I think this would be a good time to reconnect.) Later this week, I’ll post some of the creative work I’ve done during group.

I’d like to end this on a hopeful note, but right now, I think I ought to be careful about being overoptimistic. I will try to look forward without letting that get in the way of going forward.